Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
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What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
The best plant holders?
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.