I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
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Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.