Never forget.
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When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move