Sharon I have some bad news
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Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Oh, I bet you would be
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.