I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
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What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.