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The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”