The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
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Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Noah was an idiot.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐