I am never leaving this website
You Might Also Like
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Love it! 👍😂
*pronounces woah like Noah*
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*