Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
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Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.