[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
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Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.