*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
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Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Raisins are grape jerky.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
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WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”