Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
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Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
i made a craigslist ad !
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*