Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
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Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.