[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
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when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Interior design 👌
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.