Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
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Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.