Don’t talk down to me
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“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.