Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
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wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.