Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
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Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”