It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
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why I oughta
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Lmao
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
How does one answer this?
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
mom gave me mine for free