Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
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This is my bus stop.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.