[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
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maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂