Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
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Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”