It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
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Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Pickled cat.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.