Always.
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Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further