ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
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Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
A French press is when you hug naked
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.