I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
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The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”