[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
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If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
greetings!
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.