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At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
dictator is short for richard potato
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.