DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but