We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
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The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
tinder is all about the long game
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains