Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
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If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.