Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
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Baking is just science you can eat.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*