Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
You Might Also Like
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum