*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
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“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.