The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
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I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
No, he would not have.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
My therapist after every session
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*