You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
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one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.