i’m so old i’m almost back in style
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Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I was just discussing this with my cat
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
one last job
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.