my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
You Might Also Like
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing