Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
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The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.