People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
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[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.