Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
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What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Damn he played himself