Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
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What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.