[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
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I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot