[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
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Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Meanwhile in Portland…
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
(True)
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.