Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
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ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Mad Max: Furry Road
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up