[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
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Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”