[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
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How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors