how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
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Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.