You Might Also Like
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I have a black belt in leather
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?