Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
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My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.